


Do Not Fuck The Roomba [Remix of Why The X-mansion No Longer Has A Roomba]

by Butterynutjob



Category: Prometheus - Fandom, X-Men (Movieverse)
Genre: Android logic, Jealousy, Other, misuse of household appliances
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2016-09-25
Packaged: 2018-08-17 05:04:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8131448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Butterynutjob/pseuds/Butterynutjob
Summary: David is not sure exactly what Professor X means when he calls the Roomba 'cute'





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [princess_fluffle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/princess_fluffle/gifts).
  * Translation into Русский available: [Do Not Fuck The Roomba](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8581762) by [bikeisreal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bikeisreal/pseuds/bikeisreal)
  * Inspired by [Why The X-Mansion no longer has a Roomba](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6837145) by [princess_fluffle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/princess_fluffle/pseuds/princess_fluffle). 
  * In response to a prompt by [princess_fluffle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/princess_fluffle/pseuds/princess_fluffle) in the [xmen_remix_madness2016](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/xmen_remix_madness2016) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
>  
> 
> Safe work: so anything I've written except the one McFassy fic because it doesn't apply can be remixed.  
> Previous remixes, if any:This is my first time and I'm really excited!  
> I am okay with my X-Men comics/original movie trilogy/cartoon works being remixed: yes!!  
> I am okay with my collaborations being remixed: I don't think I have any  
> I am okay with being remixed in a different medium (fic for art or art for fic): YES!! OMG THAT WOULD BE SO EXCITING  
> I am okay with certain WIPs being remixed: yes, nothing is off limits

David contemplated the contents of the box for 3.6 seconds, which was far longer than he recalled ever staring at anything. It was a disc-shaped machine that proudly proclaimed itself as a Roomba. David knew what a Roomba was, of course, but what he didn’t understand was what it was doing here.” 

“Oh, the Roomba came!” Professor Xavier exclaimed, wheeling over to David. “I always wanted one of these!”

David lifted his head and looked at the Professor. “Why?” he asked. 

“Well, I don’t know; it’s cute, isn’t it?” Charles reached into the box and lifted the small vacuum cleaner out of the box. 

“Cute,” David repeated. He knew what cute meant, but he also knew it could be used in several different contexts. 

He didn’t think the Roomba was cute. 

“What will you do with it?” David inquired politely. 

“Oh, I suppose I’ll just let it do what it does,” Charles said with a fond smile for the small machine. “I hope I don’t run over it.”

David nodded thoughtfully. 

**

For the next several days, David kept tabs on the Roomba while he performed his duties: a mix of laboratory work and household chores. He liked what he did. Charles treated him almost as if he was a person in his own right; before coming to the mansion, David had never experienced that. Since he was programmed to make humans as comfortable as possible, as Charles’ relaxed attitude towards him exemplified comfort, David felt he was at his most efficient around Charles. 

Or possibly he just liked Charles. 

The Roomba bumped into David’s foot and immediately scurried off. David frowned slightly, deliberately, because something about the Roomba bothered him. He frequently felt the urge to disassemble it and leave the pieces hidden around the house, where they couldn’t be easily found and reassembled, and this desire baffled him. He set a subroutine to analyze why he had this urge while he went about his work. 

Charles entered the room just then and looked after the little vacuum cleaner with a smile as it merrily rolled away to be hardly productive at all. “It’s so cute,” he said, looking at David as if seeking agreement. “Like a--” 

The front door slammed at that moment and several of the teenaged students came careening inside and David never did get to find out in what manner exactly the Professor found the Roomba “cute.” He sent another subroutine to analyze that after he plugged himself into his charger and went into energy conservation mode for the night. 

**

David’s eyes snapped open at precisely 6:00am. The two subroutines he’d set the day before had results for him, and David reviewed those as he began his morning responsibilities. 

The two seemed to be related, he discovered. His interest in taking the Roomba apart most likely (72.4%) from a feeling of competition or jealousy. David not not experience jealousy, but he could acknowledge that the Roomba was encroaching on his responsibilities--he had always been responsible for vacuuming before the Roomba had come along. Of course, the Roomba was also highly inefficient at what was theoretically it’s purpose for existence, which was suspect. David set a subroutine to analyze _that_ , and took a look at the second result. 

The Professor thought the Roomba was ‘cute.’ His subroutine had analyzed everything the Professor had called “cute” in David’s presence and had found a surprisingly correlation. 

David froze for a split second as his positronic net came to terms with the conclusion: Professor Xavier was interested in engaging with the Roomba sexually. 

The Roomba hit the far wall and blithely rolled off towards the kitchen. 

“ _That_ little idiot?” David said out loud, which startled the child whose shoe he was tying. David assured the child he hadn’t been talking to or about him, but the thought of Professor X...interacting with the Roomba wouldn’t leave David’s processor. 

He tried not to guess at the reason. Human reasons for doing things were complicated at best and downright illogical at other times. He focused on accepting it instead. He understood human anatomy, of course, but he couldn’t figure out the logistics behind how the Professor intended to consummate his relationship with the little metal vacuum. 

He was concerned that the Professor would mangle his genitalia attempting it, in fact.

Once that idea had occurred to him, David felt extremely distressed. The Professor surely was intelligent enough not to risk his flesh on his body in pursuing a momentary pleasure?

David consulted his database of human sexuality for 8.4 seconds before deciding that it was in fact something humans were quite capable of doing. 

Well then, he knew what he had to do. 

**

The professor frowned as the little Roomba whizzed by him. Something about it looked different. “Jean,” he said, “Can you fetch the Roomba for me, please?” 

Jean sent a mental affirmation and a moment later the Roomba was spinning its wheels fruitlessly in the air as it floated over to him. There was something pink on the side. On closer inspection, he realized it was not just pink, but was actually a combination of colors, including peach and even a little purple…

Charles felt his cheeks reddened as he realized what he was looking at: someone had installed a Fleshlight into the side of the Roomba.


End file.
